


Ate Raw and Often

by Niki



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Caretaking, Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Rape/Non-con, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 14:11:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6118879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two people Anders let hurt him, and one who wouldn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sebastian Vael

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Floranna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floranna/gifts).



> I went with mental instead of physical affliction. I based Anders' bipolar-like symptoms on people near me, and they might differ from other people's experiences. I've tried not to belittle or romanticise the issue and I apologise if I've failed. 
> 
> I've never written Anders before, but you gave me a new perspective for him - I hope you enjoy the result!

  
_Bitter is sorrow,_   
_Ate raw and often,_   
_poison that weakens_   
_and does not kill._

_The Chant of Light: Canticle of Andraste_   


Sebastian Vael, the lay brother of the Chantry, the prince in exile, is not what you'd expect. At least Anders sees a different side of him from the others, from the Chantry sisters, from Hawke.

Hawke flirts with Sebastian, like with everyone, and it flusters the chaste man when he catches on to it, because he _wants_ Hawke, just like everyone wants Hawke, but he, he could never do anything about it, oh no, not pure little Prince Sebastian. 

He has his urges, and it should be so easy – he has walked away from his vows already. But in his repentance, in his deep denial, he will never do anything about them... not with a person he _cares_ about.

And that leaves Anders. 

Sebastian is angry that despite his faith he cannot resist temptation, so he treats Anders like a desire demon, like someone who makes him desire carnal pleasures against his will. And it's like the only way he can deal with that is by taking it out on him. 

There is no tenderness, no soft touches, just the act of taking, and Anders has a sneaking suspicion Sebastian likes it when he loses control of his magic, or Justice (Vengeance), and starts to glow, because it makes it easier to treat him like a demon, like someone less than human, less than a person.

And maybe he feels like he deserves nothing more. 

Still Anders craves it, despite the pain, despite the scorn in Sebastian's eyes afterwards, because even when it hurts, it is _real_ , its raw physicality tying him to the real world, bringing him out from the blank emptiness of his dark days, something to ground him on the ones brimming with manic energy.

He tells himself he's using Sebastian just as much as Sebastian is using him, and some days he even believes that.


	2. Fenris

Fenris is angry at everything and everyone, but especially magic and mages. So if he sometimes deals with his frustrated anger over his old master by taking it out on Anders... well, it's not like the mage expects anything more.

He wouldn't say he likes it, or Fenris himself, but it's familiar, just being a body to be taken, it's what he's used to, and that is reassuring on its own.

And at least with Fenris he never forgets who it is pounding into him, whose nails are digging into his skin deep enough to draw blood, whose weight is pinning him to the bedroll, the ground, or the floor. With the hum of lyrium all around him, in him, stronger and clearer than it ever was with the templars who took him, his magic is singing at the touch of their skin, as much as the elf tries to minimise actual contact between them. 

The song of the blue liquid metal almost sounds like home to Justice, and even the spirit is quiet for the duration. It's worth it, if only for that, even if Fenris refuses to look at him afterwards, ignores him, or fights him, right up until the next time. 

And there is always the next time, because Fenris is always angry, and Anders is always alone.


	3. Varric Tethras

Varric is different. Anders doesn't know what to do about him. It starts slowly, so subtly that he couldn't say when it began, or even how, but suddenly Varric is everywhere. He is soothing stories to drown the noise, games of Wicked Grace for the sake of companionship alone, an undemanding presence to remind Anders he's a person, a friend, an ally. That he's worth listening to, to care for.

There are days when the black nothingness in his mind tries to sink him down, and Varric is always there to drag him out, be it for a quick romp into the hills to fight the endless bandits, or to just sit in the tavern, not saying a word and not needing to – the dwarf is more than capable of filling the air with chatter.

On the days when he keeps bursting with energy, with ideas, with the need to go out and _do_ something, and to just keep moving and moving and moving – Varric is there, to calm him down with a pointed “Blondie,” or to follow him on his errants, even if it means having to listen to him re-writing his manifesto in new words again. He never even offers any editorial suggestions, because those are not the days Anders would be willing to hear them. 

Varric asks what it feels like, and he listens when Anders replies. (Like in the Chant – _In your heart shall burn an unquenchable flame, all-consuming, and never satisfied_ – except they call it a gift.) It's enough, sometimes, to have someone understand what it means when he can do something one day he then cannot the next.

Anders doesn't even know all the ways in which Varric looks after him. He knows the dwarf refuses to play cards for money if he is involved, he knows about the way he keeps the Darktown gangs from attacking the clinic and him, he knows about the subtle and not so subtle ways he comes up with reasons for them to meet and spend time together, and he knows, better than anything, the way his voice is only ever soft when he talks to Anders.

He's not quite sure what it means, has no frame of reference for it. The Hero of Ferelden was a friend, a good leader, but never _kind_ , not in the way Varric is. And in the end the Wardens were not much better than the Circle. He gets along with Hawke well enough, knows he's a trusted ally, knows his magic is appreciated in a fight, but Hawke never looks him up just because.

Varric never tells him what to do with his life (expect not to play cards for money, no Blondie, never, no matter who it's against. Hawke's dog could fleece you) or who to spend it with, but Anders can tell there's an intense sadness in his eyes after he's spent an evening with Sebastian or Fenris. It's like he can always tell, even though his limp could really be a leftover from a fight. But there's never any disappointment in his gaze, no censure – just the sadness. And somehow that is worse.

When Varric touches him, it's with respect, and the tenderness makes him want to weep. It is frightening in its intensity, alien in that it demands nothing, and overwhelming because he never lets Anders forget who he's with, doesn't let him hide in the physical.

And maybe he doesn't need to.

It's not like soft words and gentle touches can take away the dark days when he can't find the strength to get up from the bedroll, or calm the days when he feels like brimming over, but they do make a difference, _he_ makes a difference. 

And maybe Anders deserves that much.


End file.
